Andy Speaks

I quickly got tired of the word 'mask'. It's already become a four-letter word, and not because it's naughty, but because it's clinical, tiresome, too sterile; It sounds like death. It must have been during one of my daily walks that a new-fangled term came to me, and it's stuck because I love the sound of it; Face Panties. Face Panties. Face Panties. Say it with me. Let it swirl around your mind and your mouth like that first sip at a summer wine tasting. Embrace it. Get used to it. Practice its utility in public... "Are you wearing your Face Panties? No? Then you can't enter my store. " "Stay away from my children if you're aren't wearing your Face Panties!" They're easy to find. They're affordable and comfy if you're looking in the right places. You can either go to the drug store and purchase the bland paper ones that your proctologist wears, or you can embrace the New Normal in style! My first pair cost me $16 and...

You've heard all of the predictions; There's going to be a lot of COVID marriages and COVID babies, perhaps quite a few divorces too. What do you think? I'm not so sure. Hardly anyone in my generation is getting married and having babies, to begin with, so wouldn't it be poignant if the virus changed all that? The more I think about it, the more I love the idea of a disease that forces us Millenials to have sex and get married. Move over, Netflix and Chill, another boom is about to erupt!  Let me digress for a moment about this concept of Netflix and Chill. I have to admit that it took me a minute to figure out the actual meaning of this term, which Urban Dictionary defines as a"glorified booty call". Perhaps the idea was lost on me because I was pre-occupied with "Pizza and Masturbate". End of digression.  I keep reading that now more than ever is a great time to be dating. Everyone is lonely and afraid and has the cleanest hands this side of a VIP ...

In a tarot deck, there is a card known as "The Hermit", which symbolizes solitude and isolation. When the Hermit card is upright, it symbolizes patient self-reflection and contemplation. When the card is reversed, it symbolizes the opposite,  loneliness, withdrawal, and concealment.  At this point in this endless period of self-isolation, I probably resemble a hermit. My hair is thick, long, and unruly;  A barber would have his afternoon cut out for him. My beard is becoming unkempt, and I've unfortunately misplaced the guard for my clippers. I could shave my head out of desperation like Britney Spears once did, but I tried that look once and I did myself no cosmetic favors. It's inconvenient, but I feel I have no choice right now but to continue to look like Ted Kaczynski's handsome younger brother.  Right now, I wonder if I look like the Hermit upright, a wise sage with flowing hair, content with the present moment, however difficult and uncertain, or do I resem...

Sorry, but I'm just not feeling it today. I don't feel like getting out of bed early like all the normal people. I don't feel like raking the leaves. I don't feel like reading. I certainly don't feel like looking at the news. I don't feel like writing this blog. I'm restless, angry, tired, uninspired. I have an abundance of things I want to say to you, but I don't have the vocabulary. I'm rendered inarticulate, or at least that's how I feel. Though, maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. Let me know when you're done reading this.  All I want to do is put on my headphones and play some music as loud as I can. Music is one of my best friends during this "trying time". Why is this time referred to as 'trying'? It's not the time that's trying, it's me. I'm trying as hard as I can Goddamn it! We're all snug inside our cocoons, our "safe spaces". I didn't realize how quickly I would become tired a...

It's cold outside, but I'll still trek out for a long walk. Being obsessive-compulsive ignites my monkey mind and plays my most neurotic greatest hits like a jukebox that only plays a handful of brittle 45s. It's ok, the simple act of taking a long walk helps to purge my thoughts.  I don't drive. My G-1 expired last September and my fear of running over schoolchildren keeps me away from the driver's seat. Besides, buying a car is a lousy investment that I can't afford. Walking is fine. It's always served me well. Walking in silence is good for you, and most people are malnourished when it comes to silence. We spend so much time plugged into The Matrix that we forget how boring activities have simple gifts in store for us. Going for a walk or just sitting and meditating for a few minutes can open your mind to insight and you can solve problems that have been gnawing at you. The mercurial muse might even appear, offering inspiration for a creative project that...

Being single during this pandemic has allowed me to put my desires, anxiety, and longing under a microscope. I've been single for about 95.8% of my life, and since I'm an introvert who likes a certain degree of solitude and autonomy, I'm fully capable of enjoying bachelorhood. That being said, I'm only human and I do experience painful loneliness from time to time, especially in this period of people not being allowed to touch each other. I download and delete dating apps on a regular cycle. I sometimes swear off dating altogether and try to convince myself that being single is much better than I give it credit for. I know of couples who grow restless and bored and go to bed early because they spent too much time arguing over what to watch on Netflix. I don't have that problem, I know how to entertain myself. However, one important thing I've learned about being single is that freedom equals loneliness, and since people need each other, self-sufficiency, or at l...