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Face Panties



I quickly got tired of the word 'mask'. It's already become a four-letter word, and not because it's naughty, but because it's clinical, tiresome, too sterile; It sounds like death. It must have been during one of my daily walks that a new-fangled term came to me, and it's stuck because I love the sound of it; Face Panties. Face Panties. Face Panties. Say it with me. Let it swirl around your mind and your mouth like that first sip at a summer wine tasting. Embrace it. Get used to it. Practice its utility in public...

"Are you wearing your Face Panties? No? Then you can't enter my store. "

"Stay away from my children if you're aren't wearing your Face Panties!"

They're easy to find. They're affordable and comfy if you're looking in the right places. You can either go to the drug store and purchase the bland paper ones that your proctologist wears, or you can embrace the New Normal in style! My first pair cost me $16 and they're 10% cotton/ 90% spandex and they're black. On the bottom right corner, printed in tiny white letters are the words "a MASK by Freed." Again, that ugly four-letter word! But that's ok, it's followed by the tantalizing "FREED" in all caps. 

The straps pull quite tightly at my ears, making me look like a dog poking his head out of the window of a fast-moving car so that the wind can hit his mug. I'm ok with that because the front, the important part, is snug over my mouth the way a tight pair of black panties must feel on a woman. If you're going to follow public protocol, why not feel sexy? The experts, whoever they are, insist that you should treat your Face Panties like underwear anyways, whereas you must wash them frequently, after each use. Though I like the idea of porn stars selling their used Face Panties through the mail to perverts. 

When I went to purchase additional Face Panties, I went to a shop called Showcase where I managed to get three pairs for $6. I guess I was ripped off at The Bay, but then again, the cheaper pairs felt more like woven boxers as opposed to the more sensual feel of the spandex pair. 

Maybe I should have gone to Victoria's Secret. I doubt they sell Face Panties there, but perhaps I can purchase one of their more luxurious bras or undergarments and custom make another pair for myself. A quick glance at their website and you'll find enticing, seductive sounding promotions that promise "Buttery soft style". Another promo proclaims to the customer that,  "Love is a force of nature!" It truly is. When I wear my government-enforced Face Panties, I want to express love to the world by displaying myself as a stylish force of nature whose face garment feels like butter. You can settle for safe sterility, or you can take it up a notch and protect yourself and others with a little bit of bold fashion.

Stay safe. 

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