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COVID and Chill


You've heard all of the predictions; There's going to be a lot of COVID marriages and COVID babies, perhaps quite a few divorces too. What do you think? I'm not so sure. Hardly anyone in my generation is getting married and having babies, to begin with, so wouldn't it be poignant if the virus changed all that? The more I think about it, the more I love the idea of a disease that forces us Millenials to have sex and get married. Move over, Netflix and Chill, another boom is about to erupt! 

Let me digress for a moment about this concept of Netflix and Chill. I have to admit that it took me a minute to figure out the actual meaning of this term, which Urban Dictionary defines as a"glorified booty call". Perhaps the idea was lost on me because I was pre-occupied with "Pizza and Masturbate".

End of digression. 

I keep reading that now more than ever is a great time to be dating. Everyone is lonely and afraid and has the cleanest hands this side of a VIP section of a gentlemen's club. You don't even have to leave the house to mingle. Speed dating sessions are open to eager singles thanks to video chats. You don't need to wear pants or underwear, just put on your best Polo shirt and change your Zoom camera setting to "Enhanced" and you're good to go! 

During the pandemic, I've attended a few online speed dating events. For seven to eight-minute intervals, you're put into a "room" with another single person wherein you get acquainted and talk about Coronavirus. Chatting about what you've been up to during the pandemic is about as sexy as buying five pairs of socks for six dollars, but since it's the diseased elephant in the room, it's hard to skirt around the topic. You may as well embrace the darkness and search for the sliver of light. 

I've met a couple of women whom I would have liked to keep in contact with, but that never happened. We weren't mutual matches, as the dating community puts it. What I've sensed about modern dating is that people want to get their feet wet, but they don't seem to want to go swimming. I think there are a few reasons for this, ranging from the fact that we're spoiled by seemingly infinite choices, that we're afraid of investment and commitment as well as good old fashioned grass is always greener syndrome. Why settle when you could just keep swiping? 

I will probably never kiss or have sex with someone again until they find a vaccine, so that gives me plenty of time to strap on a silk mask, put on a Barry White album, and charm the next girl I meet on my laptop. Perhaps in due time, I will help contribute to the next generation of kids who will one day ask me, "Daddy, what was the pandemic like?" 




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